Work is going well so far. I don’t have my office yet - it’s full of file cabinets at the moment. And I don’t have my computer yet - they just ordered it today. But it’s ok. Right now I’m sharing an office with another guy who started two months ago, and they hooked me up with a nice and slow PIII laptop so I can still do stuff until my new machine (a desktop) comes in.

Apart from that, life is pretty much the same. I’m still amazed at how quickly things happened out here, both the bad AND the good.

Yadda, yadda, yadda - it’s just linkin park lyrics. I like the song.

“My{Dsmbr”
(feat. Mickey P., Kelli Ali)

This is my December
This is my time of the year
This is my December
This is all so clear

This is my December
This is my snow-covered home
This is my December
This is me alone

And I
Just wish that I didn’t feel
Like there was something I missed
And I
Take back all the things I said
To make you feel like that
And I
Just wish that I didn’t feel
Like there was something I missed
And I
Take back all the things I said to you

And I’d give it all away
Just to have somewhere to go to
Give it all away
To have someone to come home to

This is my December
These are my snow-covered trees
This is me pretending
This is all I need

The tunnel has been dark for me. My life has been totally up in the air.

Finally, there is some light. I GOT A JOB!!!!

This all transpired in just over a week. I got an email from a company called Anteon Corporation saying they wanted me to interview with them - and the interview happened two days later. That was on Thursday. On Friday I left for Mike and Teresa’s wedding in Dallas, and we got back Sunday evening. On Tuesday Anteon called saying they wanted a copy of my transcript from Taylor. On Wednesday they told me that everything was looking good and that I would hear back in the morning.

Well on Thursday morning I didn’t hear anything before I left for Starbucks (my part-time job). When I got home there was a message on the machine from Anteon saying they were ready to extend me an offer. Well, a bit later I got in touch with them to get the details, and it all looks good to me.

The actual offer should arrive in the mail tomorrow. I need to look it over, sign it, and take it with me to Anteon on Monday morning. Yep, that soon. I’m sooo excited.

Thank you Lord! Now if you could just help me out in other areas as well….

A month and a half ago when I came out to Massachusetts I had something to look forward to. Something to be excited about. Something to make me want to be here.

And then I went to Dallas for the wedding. It was a good weekend away.

But now I’m back again.

Only this time, I had absolutely nothing to look forward to.

This weekend will be really good. Dan, Abby and I are flying down to Dallas for Mike Nobles’ wedding. We’ll meet up with lots of friends from Cameroon, and it will be a nice reunion.

And it will be good to get away. Good to have something of a break from this place.

And who knows - maybe I’ll really like it down there and reconsider moving down to the Dallas area. The only way that will happen though is if I find a job down there first. I don’t feel like moving into another uncontrollable situation. Besides, I really have it good up here in NE with free rent and family around.

If the weather clears enough (somewhat doubtful), my sister, one other friend, and I are considering going to the Providence Water Fires. It should be a good time. It’ll be a nice small group. I’m tired of big group activities, and it seems to be hard to do things in smaller groups around here.

If you invite a couple people to something and other people don’t get invited, it becomes this big old issue of “why wasn’t I invited???” Grow up a bit. It’s ok to hang out with just a few people sometimes. We’re not in high school anymore.

Anyhow, it’s supposed to rain for the next four days or so. Maybe the weather decided to imitate my mood.

I guess now I’m just something of a skeptic because it’s the safest way to be. I’ll keep living life, and I’ll be fine in the end. I always am. But it’s another layer to break through later. Another piece of protection from getting hurt yet again sometime down the road. Thing is, it’s my own fault. I let myself get into a situation that was risky. We’re friends, and maybe one day we’ll be good friends again. Only time will tell.

Select lyrics from “Don’t Stay”
Linkin Park, Meteora

Sometimes I need to remember just to breathe
Sometimes I need you to stay away from me
Sometimes I’m in disbelief I didn’t know
Somehow I need you to go

[Chorus:]
Don’t stay
Forget our memories
Forget our possibilities
What you were changing me into
Just give me myself back and
Don’t stay
Forget our memories
Forget our possibilities
Take all your faithlessness with you
Just give me myself back and
Don’t stay

Sometimes I feel like I trusted you too well
Sometimes I just feel like screaming at myself
Sometimes I’m in disbelief I didn’t know
Somehow I need to be alone

So sometimes I’m stupid and I do dumb things.

I’ve worked to get past that, and tonight I really tried to be _normal_ and to make an effort not to be stupid in how I acted.

But apparently it didn’t work, and I got a dose of my own medicine.

Right now, I hate my life. Maybe tomorrow things will be better. But right now…

I just hate my life.

I was ok last night. At least that’s what I kept telling myself.

I woke up this morning feeling sick inside.

Scared that all the conversations, all the emails, all the hours on the phone

All the fun times shared together

Were for naught.

Hoping beyond hope that this is just another bumb in the road.

Oh Lord, what am I to do?